The Dregs of British History
This is a blog about ordinary people. History remembers the famous, but what about the rest. There have been billions of people on the planet. There is a good chance that those that I write about may even have existed, and if they had, they would certainly have deserved their place floating face-down in the dregs of history. The updated and Complete Dregs of History book is now available at Amazon and Createspace, both in hard copy and as an ebook.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
1. Duplicutas (210 – 147BC)
2. Sercuetas (35 - 75)
3. Tincomorus (105 - 139)
4. Vercingetorix of Verulaneum (124 - c.159)
5. Blodeuedd of Ynys Mon (191 - 226)
6. Mathilda of Eboracum (214 - 269)
7. Eogan mac Bogan 'the Negotiator' (315 - 362)
8. Crappogus (347 - 381)
9. Morcant the Frozen (423 - 470)
10. Effluvia of the Rivers (478 - 534)
11. Elfaddw the Agreeable (497 - 536)
12. Athelbald of Wessex (527 - 579)
13. Cynan the Mapmaker (613 - 651)
14. Osric the Distracted (623 - 656)
15. Thuggus (710 - 739)
16. Sister Cynalot (715 - 756)
17. Oshere the Hwicca (733 - 790ish)
18. Gunna Gareth (796 - 821)
19. Justinius the Comedian (814 - 839)
20. Olaf the Consultant (819 - 851)
21. Wurzel of Clutton (952 - 1000)
22. Promising Beatrice (953 - 988)
23. Ivanhoe the Expert (986 - 1029)
24. Eric the Depressor (1005 - 1042)
25. Ethelred the Uneasy (1015 - 1066)
26. Hengist (1047 - 1096)
27. Agatha of Anjou (1132 - 1177)
28. Bartwald the Brain-damaged (1152 - 1184)
29. Eusrace the Convoluted (1163 - 1215)
30. Egbert of the Schoolhouse (1166 - 1217)
31. Simon de Mentle (1170 - 1220)
32. Attila the Enlightened (1213 - 1275)
33. Geoffrey the Sodslopper (1215 - 1245)
34. William McSweeney (1281 - 1334)
35. Colin Almugs (1288 - 1357)
36. Joan of Aarrgghh! (1297 - 1357)
37. Sister Melodius de la Rhium (1307 – 1398)
38. William of Zennor (1327 - 1379)
39. Facility Cropper (1333 - 1369)
40. Suffering Mervyn (1369 - 1415)
41. Lady Josephine Chuntley-Boor (1378 - 1428)
42. Louis de Fishent (1431 - 1497)
43. Arnold Codwallingham (1437 - 1467)
44. Helen of Tintagel (1437 - 1485)
45. Abbot Thorsten Quietly (1446 - 1511)
46. Constance Kunchbrakken (1515 – 1568)
47 Faultless Rufus (1544 1599)
48. Paranoid Boyd (1559 - 1590)
49. Motivating Melissa of St Helier (1569 - 1448)
50. Quivering Edward (1579 - 1611)
51. Arthur Crottingwart (1586 - 1638)
52. Armageddon Shillingford (1587 - 1630)
53. Tapscott 'Twinge' Turner (1611 - 1646)
54. Annie Johnson (1628 - 1666)
55. Corporal Ebenezer Scumme (1628 - 1677)
56. Littlecock Larfington Bastard (1673 – 1707)
57. Phillip of Bradfield (1674 - 1741)
58. Cathcart Jones (1679 - 1728)
59. Soporificus Pitt (1679 – 1728)
60. Hampton Y. McCoy (1694 – 1708)
61. Ronald ‘Hopeless’ Terwatt (1704 – 1725)
62. Douglas Douglas (1713 - 1764)
63. Sawbones Fotheringham (1750 - 1818)
64. Vasco d'Zarstir (1757 - 1827)
65. Dai Laffin (1759 - 1809)
66. General Diligence Dumphuk (1769 - 1809)
67. S.F. ‘Shit-faced’ Wilkins (1770 - 1814)
68. Could’ve Been Hawkins (1770 - 1832)
69. Sudo Kamikaze (1780 - 1835)
70. Rumleigh Materson (1792 - 1845)
71. Lawrence of Algiers(1802 – 1880)
72. Padraig O'Reilly of Cork (1809 - 1834)
73. Buckley 'Nine-Lives' Cartwright (1815 - 1884)
74. Charlotte Dunne-Knightley (1817 – 1864)
75. Fitzherbert Hobson (1829 - 1861)
76. Algernon Entwhistle (1831 - 1856)
77. Sir Francis de Nighle (1840 - 1914)
78. Urban Petersen (1844 - 1885)
79. Cardinal Slumberus Drone (1859 - 1932)
80. Spooner Read (1844 - 1885)
81. Drake O'Hanlon (1893 - 1933)
82. Albert Scrungel (1908 - 1945)
83. Henri de Floric (1911 - 1979)
84. Double-billing Doris Downsborough (1925 – 1964)
85. Samuel Hackett (1937 - 1998)
86. Fulton Farnsworth Fletcher (1944 - 1989)
87. Ginger Nutjob (1960 - 1985)
88. John Smith (1969 -present)
89. Numbing Jane Thackery (1980 - 2009)
Collectively, John Smith and his ancestors currently hold a number of world records.
1) The shortest ever recorded judgement by a high court judge: - ‘Get out of here you imbecile’.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Once there he met Alexander Pearce and, quite out of character, agreed to join him in an escape attempt. However, his obsession with organisation meant that he never got around to finalising his itinerary in time and they left without him. This was a stroke of good luck as Pearce ended up eating some of his fellow escapees. Thinking that he could get in on the next escape, this time with Mark Jefferies, he once again went into planning his escape and once again was left behind due his lack of readiness – Mark Jefferies also ate one of his fellow escapes (another lucky escape for Padraig).
He was eventually released in 1825 when, to his surprise, and the surprise of the government, nobody could find any record of what he had done to deserve such a harsh period of incarceration in the hell-hole that was
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
From an early age, Gunna was convinced that he was going to make his fortune through re-opening the mines and once more putting Gwynedd back on the map. He was definitely, he told everybody, gunna get out of Piggshite and into a better area. However, to do this he needed to get some money together. He became a bit on an entrepreneur. He was gunna start a business trading in used vegetables.
The used vegetable business failed take off, so he tried another idea – he decided that he would become a professional boat cleaner, scraping the barnacles off the bottom of the various vessels along the coast. His lack of swimming ability eventually led to him giving this up, particularly after a couple of near-drowning experiences. He bit the bullet and decided that he was gunna buy the copper mines and re-open them.
He needed more money, so he approached Hywel the Hangman, who gave him a loan on vary reasonable terms. Gareth assured him that he was gunna pay him back. But then again, he was also gunna pay Crusher Mason back for the boat cleaning loan, and he was gunna pay Vicious Victor back for the used vegetable business loan.
Gunna Gareth actually managed to extract some copper from the Great Orme mines and was seriously thinking about export opprtunities to europe through the contacts he'd made in his boat-cleaning venture. And he was actually committed to paying back his loans. He might even have kept up with the punitive interest rates. His real problem was that he kept promising himself that he was gunna stop shagging other people’s wives, most notably those of Vicious Victor, Crusher Mason, and Hywel the Hangman. Gunna Gareth was found out by all three.
He was gunna run away, but they found him and he was last seen being dragged into the tunnels of his copper mine. Nobody wanted to go down to see what had happened to him and mine once again fell into decay.
The Great Orme copper mines eventually came back into production in 1692 for the next 200 years, but nobody found any evidence of what happened to Gunna Gareth. Both the hamlet of Piggshite and his family have vanished from recorded history.
Monday, October 8, 2012
While Jethro Tull spent his time working improving the efficiency of agriculture and came up with the Seed Drill which was first used in 1701, Phillip spent his time how to make money out of the humble potato. In between failed innovations, such as potato football, potato paperweights, and potato as projectiles for battle, he subsisted with his family on a barley and beer, more often the latter.
Then, in 1702, he came up with the invention that release him from poverty and send him up onto easy street. He combined his crop of potatoes with printing and came up with the first large scale potato printing press. He was convinced that the easy manipulation of the potato and its capacity to work with most inks would see him and his family right for the rest of their lives. His work quickly became popular as he produced the first church sermon produced by potato. Then he began to promote the seed drill, using potato-printed paper posters. Then he realised the potential for expansion and wrote to the King, William III, who agreed to give him the contract for royal printing (his advisors were on holiday at the time).
Phillip then gave over all of his fields to the production of the potato to make sure he could keep up with the demand. What Phillip failed to realise was that his potatoes would quickly rot and became useless. Despite his large potato crop his potato presses began to fall apart and lose its shape. Added to that, his livestock had a nasty habit of breaking in and eating his printing supplies. In 1702 King William died and the new monarch, Anne, was having nothing of the potato revolution and cancelled the contract.
Phillip was left with a useless mountain of potatoes. Jethro Tull suggested he sell them for food, but Phillip was unconvinced. Who would want to eat potatoes? Phillip Pherklewit eventually recovered and through the charity of his fellow townsfolk managed to re-sow his fields and get back on his feet. He gave up inventing and settled to mediocrity. Phillip of Bradfield died on the same day as Jethro Tull in 1741. The potato printing press died with him, although after looking at the print quality of many books recently, I have my doubts that it has totally disappeared.